(( LIVE SELFLESS ))

Hector and his family...

2009-05-01T07:00:00.002-05:00

I decided it was a good time to start writing about my life as a Support Agent this morning.

So, I'm driving into Fellowship Technologies offices this morning again at around 6:20am so that I can get there by 6:30 to spend some time focusing on the day, prioritizing and getting organized. I'm listening to one of my favorite pastors, Mark Driscoll, through a Mars Hill podcast. He's teaching about Christians submitting to the authority. It's good. Real good. I'm thinking about my life and how I can carry this teaching out. I'm thinking about my kids and how I can exemplify this basic truth for them as they get older.

I'm almost to the office when I pull up on a slow down in the traffic ahead. I look and there's a truck on the shoulder with it's hazard lights on and cars driving on by. I see this and look at the clock - I really don't have time to get involved. I decide to prioritize on helping; supporting the person in this situation. It wasn't his fault that this was happening. I pull over and put my hazards on. I get out and meet a man who's name is Hector. I ask if there's anything I can do and he says a few words and I switch to Spanish to continue to talk to him. Turns out he was on his way to work, but had to drop his wife, daughter and mother or mother-in-law off to work before 7am and didn't have a jack to fix the flat tire. Hector told me that he had called a friend who was coming to help, but asked if I wouldn't mind giving his family a ride to work. So, all three ladies pile into my little pod of a car and we take off. Turns out that their work was not to far up the road. On the way I told them that I love Jesus and that doing this is what He would have done. I dropped them off with little more said.

As I was driving away I remembered the verse that Jesus says, "whatever you do to the least of these, you've also done to me..." I thought about how we get so busy sometimes in our daily grind that we sometimes miss the opportunities right in front of our faces to support each other; to be the hands and feet of Jesus - however brief it might be.

As cheesy as it might be, the movie Pay it Forward comes into perspective on things like this. What a movie illustrating this whole principal of doing what we need to do for others; supporting the person that didn't expect to run into this inconvenience. No one sets out in the morning to get a flat tire. No one sets out to not have enough food to eat that day. No church worker sets out expecting to have an issue that they can't work through. No fireman really understands the complexity of the day he/she is getting ready to have. We all need support. We all need help. Some of us are more likely to stop the days chaos than others and sometimes the desire to stop and help gets overlooked by other responsibilities and that's fine. The difference is if we're able to put into perspective again and again, every day as people who love the God that went out of His way to offer restoration to us, what...we're...about!

I'm a Support Agent for Fellowship Technologies. My life is full of ministry to those who minister to people in churches all across the world. I help church workers in churches in England, Florida, North Carolina, New Mexico, Ecuador and on. I come in every day ready for the challenge. I don't know in what ways the person on the other side of an email or phone call is going to need help. I do know that I owe it to the lady in Massachusetts to know how to help her post attendance to the activity that won't show up in her drop down menu. Even though I don't know necessarily what kind of help those who need me are going to need. I don't need to know.

I am FellowshipOne. (I know it's cheesy, but it's catchy :) )

the things I'm learning....

2009-04-14T07:23:00.003-05:00

I know it's been a long time since I've blogged, but...as I rolled into work this morning the longing to put my thoughts on "paper" ate at me too large and I could resist anymore.

There's soo much going on right now, it's insane. I come to work every single day and do the same thing over and over and over again. It sometimes feels like the movie Groundhog Day. Then, I go home and get to hangout with my family at least some. Then there's the ever present list of things to do.

But in all of this, I'm learning soo much. This time in my life is unlike any other time. I've never really learned this much at once. Not in High School or in College. No course teach me what I'm learning. No one time class could convey the things that I'm soaking up. It's in the starring at the keyboard, it's in the quiet meditation on the way in to work, it's in the determined practice of commiting Scripture to my mind - that I know why I'm in this season.

Here lately, I've learned more about myself. I do have to say that I wish we would know these things immediately as we graduate from college if not before. The process of "learning about myself" isn't fun. It's not a highlight. It really is a pain. Why? Because it seems that the older I get, the wiser I should become. The reality, I'm finding is that I keep coming back to things I thought I already learned.

For instance, I thought I already learned about "understanding" another person's perspective. I thought I was good at it, until recently. I'm seeing that I really do have high expectations on other people and if those aren't fulfilled, then...I get bent out of shape. This happens primarily out of a non-understanding where that person is coming from. At work, at home, at church, in friendships, in co-worker relationships...it's all affected by this notion.

John Maxwell says, "Half of all the controversies & conflicts that arise among people are caused not by differences of opinion or an inability to agree, but by their lack of understanding for one another."

Today, I'll keep Job 8:10 in mind and trust that God is using my experiences to carve out a heart that is after God's own - "Will they not instruct you and tell you? Will they not bring forth words from their understanding?"

you'll come...

2008-12-12T07:15:00.002-06:00

So, this morning I come into work and I'm faced with a choice. Do I affect this place or it let it affect me? The little routines and steps we all move through become expected - with nothing to look forward to if not careful. That's not what I'm about. I'm in love with a God who is ALL to me and I understand my role as a man where I am. It's not to co-exist with my environment, but it's to change it. It's not like I do this just for change sake...but because as I finally stop and think about it enough, I see that it needs to be changed.

The change within comes first. It has to. Without me allowing Christ to come and examine me I'm out. Like a kid getting taken out by getting slammed in the face in Dodge-ball. I have to allow Him to take inventory of my issues (lack of trust in people, my tendency to be critical & negative, my inability to ask for help when I need to, my expectations being too high, et...frappin cetera) so that I can be who I need to be. Which me being who I need to be (the leader I know God has gifted me to be) results in seeking that which is broken and inspiring it to change...to be more effective.

God's I know that You'll come for me today. I ask You to come today. Come into my reactions, my responses, my leadership, my wantings, my compassion. Come be in me. God help me to trust You today. Help me to not trust in my own efforts. I just want to position my heart before You, God, ready to receive the transformation that You bring. Change Me God, from the inside out, change me. Help me to be a team-player, but to step out and address the injustices and affect my coworkers, my family, myself, my friends towards more...

SELAH...

2008-11-25T07:33:00.002-06:00

seriously, I need it. without it, I'm ruined. This high-powered world keeps going and going with no end in sight. If I don't intentionally make this PAUSE happen, my perspective gets out of whack. My eyes start to wonder. My mind plays the What if game. God becomes smaller again and I become bigger.

In my own eyes this is not wrong. After all who really thinks that getting more stuff, being like the world, doing what we want to do is bad. Without this pause regular pause in my life - my life becomes my life again. I start to do the things that I don't want to do; the things that ruin me; the things that are easy. To lead myself in this direction, towards the things of God again, is a management issue. It doesn't take any work at all to let selfishness reign and my old man to come out again and again. It does take discipline to identify the areas that I'm tempted in; where I've been slain and decide to go in the opposite direction.

For You Lord, I'll do it. I'll sacrifice myself on the alter again. I lay down and rest; pause to know the victory that comes with self-denial. You are the Lord, I'm your beloved. I need/want more of You and less of me. I will have it no other way.

I choose today to pause,

all for You...

2008-11-17T07:19:00.002-06:00

God - I give you my heart again this week. I pray that You would help me to lead myself well this week. I ask that You would make me ready for the challenges that are coming my way that I don't even know about yet. Let me see the distractions (things that pull me away from my love for You) - not only see them, but identify them as such and move away from them and closer to You. I pray for my marriage that You would be all in it. I ask that You would give me Your wisdom in being a parent, that I might display a loving want for more of You to my daughter and son. Please give me Your wisdom as I attempt to make the decisions that You would have me make. Seriously, I don't want to make decisions without You. Be in my everyday decisions, Lord. What I listen to, what I talk abotu, what I think about, what my motives are, what my responses/reactions are, what I do, what I say...be in ALL of it.

I'm Yours, use me in the place that I'm at.

every hour I need Him...

2008-11-13T07:32:00.002-06:00

what is this thing that is happening to me? I don't know. More than ever I have this longing to know what His will is for my life. I question it all the time. I hate what I do. I can't stand this experience. The lack of understanding, training, support, cooperation is killing me. I'm pulling out. This can't be it. Is this what You have for me, God? Are we on the same page You and I? I hear You say that this is for a season, and I get that. But it doesn't make sense to feel trapped and hopeless every...single...day.

Or does it? I mean look at the Bible. I bet Daniel felt hopeless and trapped. I bet Joseph even after standing for righteousness, felt hopeless and trapped. I mean I'm not moving from this until i hear or see You say otherwise. I'm just questioning WHAT You're wanting to show me/ teach me.

Give me You today and strip me away!!!!!!!!!!!

the drawbridge keeper...

2008-10-28T07:16:00.004-05:00

John Griffeth lived in the western part of the United States [Oklahoma, according to some versions] during the depression years of dustbowls, dryness and drought. Married in 1929, the Griffeths watched their farming dreams blow into dust. Finally, they gathered their little son with their meager belongings and moved east.

There John landed a job at the Mississippi River tending a drawbridge. One summer day [April 5 in one version] in 1937, he took his son to spend the day with him. Wide-eyed and full of questions, Greg watched his father as he raised the bridge to let the ships pass, then lowered it for the great trains to roar across the river.

About noon, John put up the bridge and sat with Greg on an observation platform to eat their lunches. They enjoyed the activity on the waterfront. John dreamed about traveling so he told Greg stories about the ships and where they were headed. He was so caught up in the stories that he lost consciousness of time. Suddenly he was awakened by the shrill whistle of a locomotive. He glanced at his watch, noting that it was nearly time for the Memphis Express.

John made his way to the gear-room, sat on the stool and took the lever in hand. He looked up the river and back down to see if any ships were coming. Then he glanced below ... Wait! No! No! This can't be! Terror gripped him as his heart leaped into his throat and his blood froze in his veins! Evidently, Greg tried to follow his father, slipped off the catwalk and fell into the massive gears below. His leg was caught and as sure as the sun rises in the morning, if the bridge was lowered six tons of revolving metal would grind him to death!

Mind spinning, John frantically sought for answers! He thought, "I'll run back, tie a rope, let myself down..." -- but, no! There was not a third of the needed time.

John moaned! He was trembling and perspiring as his eyes brimmed with tears. The shrill cry of the train whistle was alarmingly close. More than anything, he wanted to spare his son; but if he did many would die! There was no other way to spare their lives! Stricken and overwhelmed with grief, John bowed his quivering head, covered his eyes, and released the lever. The gear room shook as the wheels turned and the great bridge settled down into place. In moments it was over and the Memphis Express came roaring past.

John lifted his head and looked in the train. There a man read the morning news, the conductor was looking at his watch, and a woman in the dining car was feeding her little girl with a long spoon. No one noticed the heart-broken Griffeth. No one was aware of the grieving father or the newly torn body of his dear son. Choking with passion John called out, "What's the matter with you people? I just GAVE MY SON for you! Don't you even care?" Nobody heard; nobody looked; nobody knew and no one responded as the train disappeared across the river.

The heavenly Father watches our own eternity-bound generation as we speed down the rails of life. Without Jesus we too are hopeless and headed for destruction. Our sovereign God "sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him" (1 John 4:9). What an amazing sacrifice as God "spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all" (Rom. 8:32).

my heart...

2008-10-23T07:18:00.002-05:00

when you look at the story in the OT about Moses and Joshua and the pillar of smoke by day/pillar of fire by night Who led the Israelites in the desert...you find a scene where Moses is training Joshua and mentoring him really right before Joshua takes over the leadership of the nation of Israel. We find Joshua and Moses in a tent before the Lord. Moses gets up to leave and Joshua stay put, alone...not wanting to move; he's before the Lord. Joshua stays in the tent.

In all my motives, guesses, attempts at figuring out this life, the one thing that I keep coming back to is that God is interested in my heart. He's not interested in my agenda or my plans. He's not this being in the sky that just grants my wishes. He wants my heart fully. Does he have it? NO. Not right now. I've got a long time to go.

Trying to figure out the following, I'm seeking counsel:

1) Do we do Apartment Life
2) Do I attempt to find a job that will pay more, so I can get out from under this debt
3) Does God have vocational ministry in my future again

I've been trying to position myself/leverage myself so that I can be up for let's say a promotion or a job offer or something like that and - He keeps bringing me back to, "just be with me, just know me...I'll take care of the rest. Just put your heart before me, I want it ALL."

God come take my heart again today. Please make me more like you in everything. Help me to identify when I'm about to give in to my flesh. I'm ready for the Refiner's Fire you have me in right now to be over. But I trust Your sovereignty in it as well and know that You're with me in here. I want to be led by Your spirit God, do the things You want me to God. Help me lead myself well today for Your name's sake. In Jesus name, amen.

once and for all...

2008-10-22T07:56:00.002-05:00

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace. (Ephesians 1:7)

And when you heard the word of truth (the gospel of your salvation) – when you believed in Christ – you were marked with the seal of the promised Holy Spirit. (Ephesians 1:13)

Thank you Lord, that you have made me whole. You have done it. That's it. It's final. No more to be developed. You are worthy of my praise and I will go on with You for what You have done is great.

let my life be one long gift...

2008-10-14T07:57:00.003-05:00

As I'm driving to work this morning I'm listening to our pastor talk about the parable by Jesus about the man that thought that he could tear down his store houses and build bigger ones to be ok.

me w/o them...

2008-10-08T07:21:00.002-05:00

it's an ugly picture actually. I'm a different man. A different leader. A different choice. I cna see the hand of God moving in to many more area of my life with them around, actually. As I let them in to more of my secrets and struggles, I become better. What's this that I need more of in my life? The type of friend that walks with me, talks with me, holds me up...when I want to fall, calls me out when I've been foolish, cares deeply for my leadership and you can see it in their eyes.

I'm thankful for accountability partners. These guys that God has brought and placed around me. It's not easy to open up to guys that you're thrown in with and told, "Do life together & like it!" But when i fight through those emotions, when i take the perspective that I'll be worse if i don't...that's when total failure hits. I've taken that approach before, not meaning to, but still. It's gotten me nothing good. Being isolated and kept from others who would care for me - if I let them, is just not smart.

Last night was another time like this. I faced the decision to go to our Small Group Guys Night and be with 3 other guys and talk about the things that make me ugly inside. We al sat around the table talking about these dark spots in our lives and one by one dragging those areas out into the light again. We talked about Theology. We talked about our marriages. We asked each other the hard questions. Without this in my life, would i think about these areas? Or is my life too fast paced, that I would probably not be stopping long enough to notice. I'm thinking about these things more due directly to my involvement and my vulnerability with these guys.

Authenticity is hard, but in the end I choose to be real about my struggles because God is the treasure and I'm pursuing holiness.

God, thank You for surrounding me with guys who I can walk with. You are my treasure and I will chase You. You ask for more of me and I want to willingly give it. You know that my flesh gets in the way and that I have to fight it every, single day. I trust that with them in my life some of the weak areas will turn strong. Come holy God, invade my mind, my motives, my drive, my perspective, my world view...ALL.

watching her sleep...

2008-10-01T07:17:00.002-05:00

There's something about getting up early in the morning to come to work and getting ready. There's something about getting dressed and looking at you sleep; watching you turn from one side to the other. It's something that gives me even more motivation to work and make sure that as best as I can and as much as God would allow - that you be satisfied with me. It's almost like I have the wrong approach though, again being performance-based. It's not like i want to gain your approval or get more love from you, it's just that I want to show you that I'm all in this relationship and family.

I know I have to watch my need for Affirmation and my expectation level. I know it's not real Love, if I'm expecting anything in return from you. That's selfish Love, not Selfless Love. I want to be the kind of man that people hold in high esteem because they realize that I have no expectations that I'll receive anything in return for what I'm willing to give.

I love watching you sleep. It says, 'I trust you,' it says, 'I need you.' You're my everything and I'll be the one that will position myself to be the provider for this family, asking God to pour out His blessings on our family. I'll trust that god will provide for us and that He would keep me from feeling like I have to be that and that He'll keep me from trying to gain His approval.

Lord take this wretch and make him fully yours. Give me the ability to lead my family well. I trust you and I pray that you would keep in my mind that my family trusts You too. I pray that you would shield me from a performance-based relationship with You and with my wife.

Your Grace is enough...

marked man...

2008-09-26T07:24:00.003-05:00

so, I was talking with an old friend yesterday after work and it was a good time. It was tough, because he and I talked about some hard heart issues - in him and in me. We went to college together and God has used him in a big way in my own life.

During our conversation he talked about some of the things he's learned along the way, in his up and down life. He said that my name was written in the back of a book and that he was praying for my victory in a few areas in my own life and that I too would finish strong.

I want that. I know I have to be surrendered to the Father in order to finish this race with Integrity. My friend told me that I was a marked man...how true that statement is. I feel like Paul sometimes, when he says - I do the things i don't want to do and I don't do the things I do want to do. But He that is in me has overcome the world. So, I'll trust Him for the continuous victories.

That night i went to a Men's Mentorship group and I was faced with the reality of the glorious riches of God's grace and the fact that it should make me that much more faithful to God. We looked at Ephesians 1 and I was stirred again within my heart to live out all the way in every decision as a man that has died to my selfishness. Every decision that I make will be either Life-giving or Life-taking. We talked about the need to stay connected to God's heart through prayer.

So, I'm deciding today, here this morning that i will chase God my praying as I commute to work in the morning everyday next week. I want to build this habit back into my life. I feel like I used to have more than i do now.

Lord, I come to You this morning - You have been soooo good to me, yet I turn away from You all the time. You have been patiently transforming me. I need more of it. I want more of this transformation in me. Kill my old man, raise the new man. I want You to be the inward focus and outward visible passion of my life. When poeple think about me, I want them to know that I am Yours... Come Holy Spirit, consume the fabric of my being. Visit every corner of my black heart. Shine Your light and make the darkness disappear. I desire to be that book, living, breathing words that people can read. The words that say, "There must be a God, look at this guy's life." I want to love You the way You've never been loved before, God. Take my wondering heart and set it on You again. This morning I recognize my failures and inadequacies and I give them over to You one more time. I need You/I want You. Be in me today. In jesus name. AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and so it begins...

2008-09-24T05:35:00.002-05:00

here i am. Count me in. I'm doing what I need to even when it's hard. I know the Lord is with me. I know that He is using this time in my life to shape me and teach me how to lead myself better. How else can I know myself, if I'm not making the sacrifices that will enable me to manage myself well?

God, give me the ability to commit to this for as long as You would want me to...in order to control my body, control my mind, control myself. I want to be Your man...and I see this as part of the process. I bless You Lord, for Your unseen will...I know it's best for me.

my pursuit ...

2008-09-22T07:12:00.002-05:00

...it's sometimes marked with bruises and bleeding. It's not pretty, it's not fun. But I press on. Other times, it's marked with happiness and laughing.

I am getting to know myself better as I get older. I realize things about myself quicker, than I did even 5 years ago, even 2 years ago.

We as people, need to understand that - it's only by knowing ourselves first, that we can make any kind of dent in this world. We have to become expert 'self' managers. Keeping in mind the principles found int the Word that have shaped our personality, our motivation, our every desire.

"Lord, today...I give it all up to You again. I take time in this moment to reach out for You and have You be all in me. Be in my mind, be in my heart, be in my motives, be in my actions, be in my desires. I am Legion...I am sinful; full of sin. I cannot be who You would want me to be, without You. I ask for Your mercy and grace to be poured out on me all over again. I choose to keep You always before me. I pray that You would help me to respond in a Salt and Light kind of way, when things don't go according to plan or when my expectations aren't met. I ask that I, by Your Holy Spirit, would recognize when Entitlement creeps in and that I would rid myself of it for Your name.- In Jesus name...amen"

just the two of us...

2008-09-17T07:22:00.003-05:00

I'm really set on making my marriage work. Tonight we're going to the Re:engage class offered by our church. I'm hoping that it's going to give Ashley and I the opportunity to talk through some of the things that are becoming gaps in our relationship. From what I hear it will.

I want our prayer to be - "God, we want to be that couple that is above average," again.

So, Father...glorify Yourself in me and in my marriage. You have called us to be together and we are set and ready to move past some of the hurts and hangups that we've developed in our close to 6 years now. We desire that You would remind us of the love we first had for each other. I pray that You would give us the type of relationship that Martin Luther talks about, "...that the wife would love the husband in a way that the husband would hate to leave and the the husband would love the wife in a way that she can't wait til he comes back home." Make us like that again, Lord. In Jesus name, amen.

alone...

2008-08-21T22:58:00.003-05:00

Being alone is so alone. It's not fun. It's not smart. It's just alone. there's really no other work like alone. Just the sight of it makes for a sigh.

It's dangerous because the mind starts racing down paths that you didn't think possible just hours before... minutes really. It's when a person is alone that he/she feels bored and ready to do something; anything to just add some life back into the picture.

It's odd, but a person can be alone even in a group. The most outgoing person in a group; the life of the party, can be very alone in their heart. I'm not talking about the aloneness that a person feels without ever having tasted the love of Jesus - that's a completely different level of alone, that I'm thankful that I'll never have to feel. I'm talking the emotion that seizes our mind and body and pulls us into a whole that we know we can get out of ...if we just reach out our hand to meet His already extended hand.

It's that feeling that I hate - maybe the most. Not having a support net, not having my wife & kids close. That feeling of alone that all of a sudden you're thinking of all the trouble you could get into, if you let yourself. That feeling that you start playing that "what if" game. The feeling of inadequacy that comes with self-inspection.

BUT - we have a God is above our Alone. He is familiar with my thoughts and feelings with every part of me. Why this knowledge, when He could be tending to so many other things? Why? I'm not sure, but I'll take His hand and rise out of this smoldering pit; burning, aching to take my life and I'll let the water of the Word pour over me and be renewed again.

Sin, where is your victory now?

my expectations...

2008-08-20T07:23:00.002-05:00

I think the hardest part of being a guy is having such crazy expectations. Even when I'm guarded, it's still crazy hard to make sure that my expectations to get something ; anything in return for something that I do is not the driving motivator. I am selfish. It's all in me. I have every right...in my eyes. I do have this entitlement mentality after all. It's not something that is a big factor, but it is. Again, that whole phrase pops into my head..."I am Legion." (Luke 5)

God ruin me. Take these desires to give in to my emotions and be ruled by my flesh away. There is so much more to do than be self-consumed. So, what if I get injured along the way. So, what that I don't get the things that I think I deserve for the work that I do and the man that I'm becoming. You're my focus, You're my drive. If I don't get what I deserve then I need to change my expectations to be expectations that You would have me have , Lord. In you I find my hope.

When I'm hurt by my silly emotions not being fulfilled, I pray that You, Lord would bring me back to the reality of controlling that which You given to me in the first place to use for You. Help me to do the things that I just don't feel like doing, when they need to be done. Help me God to identify those emotions - when they come to the surface.

I'm realizing that being a Christian (a follower of Jesus) has a lot to do with knowing Yourself first. Help me to lead myself...including leading my innately selfish emotions.

FILL ME WITH THE LOVE THAT I OUGHT TO HAVE.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mother Teresa’s Commitment Statements

God, I yield myself fully to you.

I embrace your calling on my life.

I will do your bidding without delay.

I will refuse you nothing.

I will endure all hardships.

When I don’t feel your presence, I will still be faithful.

I will seek to love you as you have never been loved before. Here am I; send me.

the big deal about friends...

2008-08-19T08:48:00.002-05:00

There's alot being said these days about friends. Friends are what a person possesses on Myspace.com & Facebook; they're people who we talk with for a minute in the break room at work; they're life-long partners that you just don't want to detach from.

The big deal is that I'm better for having them in my life. At all levels. The friends that i stay in contact with to the friends that challenge me to lead them better.

God you have placed me here for Your purposes. help me to value the accountability that comes from any type of friendship (acquaintance or life-long friend) I can learn from them and I can also lead them towards You and Your standard.

what we sow...

2008-08-15T07:46:00.002-05:00

Galatians 6:6-10 is written to born-again believers, not sinners. Paul is encouraging them to leave behind their sinful tendencies and walk in the newness of what Christ has already given them...freedom. He's talking about the fact that God can't be mocked, a person will harvest what he sows here.

Now I have to stop for a second...pause...and gather my thoughts. NO WONDER. Have I been thinking that I'm invincible? Have I really thought that the things that I do, won't catch up with me? Have I been so caught up with myself that I've failed to remember that "what goes in, will come out" principle? I'm not a bond-servant of the Lord...no where close to it. If I was, I'd understand this principle and live it out much better.

I can't expect to fill my mind with ungodly things and think that it won't affect my judgment. I'm not invincible, much worse I'm - broken. When I'm watching junk on TV, I'm going to want that junk or to live like that junk or to have that junk for myself. Like Philippians 4:8 says, I must (as a Christian who desires to Lead this world back to God) be thinking about the things that are righteous, the things that are higher, the things that are noble, the things that are pure and true - in order to impact anyone. My life is not to just live or exist, it's to find the hurting and fix it. How in the world can I be about God's business when I'm filling myself up with junk of the world.

"God form in me an understanding that You can't be fooled. Help me to understand the law of the Harvest; that if I allow a seed of a wrong thought in my head, that I will harvest that seed down the road at some point. God, I ask You to help me identify those thoughts of lust or covetousness; those thoughts of want/need that are just wrong. When those thoughts enter my head - let loud sirens go off...I'm talking about the deafening noise of a fire alarm piping through a apartment community. That type of identification. Help me to lead myself well, so that I can lead my wife and my family well, so that we can lead others towards reaching the world and leaving selfishness behind."

"For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life."

---- WATCH WHAT YOU TAKE IN...IT WILL COME OUT IN SOME WAY. ----

definition

2008-08-14T07:27:00.002-05:00

The Definition of Leadership is -
1) To Influence others
2) To get Followers

Lord, let me lead up, lead laterally and lead down today. For Your honor and glory.

man, it's hard to lead myself well @ 1:54am...

2008-08-12T07:33:00.002-05:00

Juliana woke up crying like crazy last night at 1:54am. We rushed into her bedroom to find that she must have just had a bad nightmare. Something about the living room scarring her...

We tried to settle her down so we could all go to sleep, we even moved her to our room and put her in her sleeping bag, but she wouldn't stop crying.

Finally I got in bed with her and she fell asleep.

It just proves my point that sometimes it's hard to connect the things we learn and the things we desire to represent in the heat of the moment. I totally find this frustrating too. I wonder why God let it be this way. Why didn't He give us the ability to act on what we learn at all moments.

I don't get it.

I do know that I have a responsibility to lead my family well - even when it's not convenient or doesn't come naturally. That's where I need the Lord's help. Without Him giving me the insight into the situation; to view it from outside my emotions - I'll make an idiot of myself.

"God - I need You today to remind me, be that Counselor that You are (John 14) and instruct my heart in the way that it should go. I so want to honor you and hold to the principles on Leadership that I've learned, but I need You to have free reign to mold me and shape me as You see fit. Today be my ALL."

keep on track...

2008-08-11T07:26:00.002-05:00

This morning I woke up and took a few minutes to wrap my mind and emotions around this new week. I didn't want to be too quick to start the "race.

Will, You, Lord help me as I search for Your will. Help me to guard my time and be the man that impacts people to make a difference in the world and show the people how loving You are through my actions.

now what...

2008-08-10T20:33:00.002-05:00

So, on Thursday and Friday of last week I went to the Leadership Summit hosted by Willow Creek Church in Chicago, IL. I didn't go all the way up there, but instead went to one of their satellite campuses at Watermark.

For two days I was challenged in my thinking about Leadership. There was so much that I just hadn't thought about before. I'm still trying to make sure I process it and apply it.

One of the things that stuck out to me was when Bill Hybels said, "a good leader leads up, leads laterally and leads down." I had heard that before, and even can safely say that I have tried that. I guess it's different when you hear it in a setting where you are challenged to do something about your sagging leadership.

I desire that, really. I desire to influence others above me; those who are my supervisors, directors, bosses. I need to learn how to slow down enough to think through a suggestion or an idea and even do "trail decision-making" before I actually decide on attempting to lead up.

I know I must have better self-leadership and lateral leadership. It seems that I back away too easily from things that "need to be fought for." I pray that God would give me to the wisdom and insight to the confrontation, argument, decision even...so that I can make the right choice. Without leading myself well, I can't expect to lead others well.

I know as I lead downward, I have to be open to allow for different ideas and feelings and thoughts to be expressed by my team. It almost seems like (looking back at my ministry) that I never gave my teammates the opportunity to express their concerns, let alone their ideas...even if they were different than mine. We are a team and if I view them as not good enough or view myself as better than them, that will affect our effectiveness.

God help me to identify when I have un-intentionally or intentionally placed less than a "10" on their heads (not thought of them as good enough). Even with them that I work with now at FT. I pray that you would help me to inspire, influence and impact them to be better.

It does stand true what Tim Sanders says in his book:

LOVE

- the selfless promotion of the growth of another person -

People hold you in the highest esteem when they realize you have no expectations that you will receive anything in return for what you are willing to give.

BRODY JASE QUINONES

2008-06-14T10:01:00.002-05:00

What crazy emotions fill your body when you see him for the 1st time. Overwhelmed with joy doesn't even begin to describe it. What an experience.

He's here and I can't believe we've started this part of our lives. As I'm driving the family home from the hospital yesterday I said to Ashley, "I can't believe this is happening." But it is and it won't be the same again. and I kind of like it that way. It's crazy, 'cause it's fun but at the same time it's sad too. Having Brody with us is such an answer to my prayers for a son, but then it's sad to know that me, Ashley and Julesy will never be "alone" again. I love her sooo much.

Father, please, please, please let me me the father to her that You've been to me. You've loved me unconditionally. You've taken me in, when I've let You down. You've healed my broken heart, when I've been the one to break Yours. What a mighty God You are. What a strong, compassionate, rescuing God You are. If there's one thing that I ask of You now - it's that even with this new side of love in my life - that I wouldn't ever neglect giving Juliana the love that she needs to see, feel, hear from me.

---- Help me be You to her ----

In this new sweep of emotion, Brody comes back into the picture, full view. He's my boy and I'm his daddy. What a responsibility I have with him.

---- God help me be You to him ---

NO MATTER WHAT...

2008-06-11T22:07:00.003-05:00

wow. it hit me. finally. i'm here on the night before I become a dad again and I'm NOT READY!!!!! Then again, who is? Who really is ready to enter in to this world in which fatherhood defines so much of who you are and what you do?? Who is ever really ready to allow the sleepless nights that drive you to frustration to be overshadowed by the joy you feel the next morning?? Who's ready for that? No one can ever know the emotion of being a father, really, except...the father.

One can try to explain it. He can try to detail it out for all who would listen. He can send pictures and draw up scenes in his mind of how he imagines things will be. That man can envision how he wants things to be, but in reality isn't it all up to the Lord and His will? He is the truest picture of fatherhood.

Tonight when I was saying goodnight to Juliana, my 3 year old daughter, I took the time to sit down on the floor with her and tell her that tomorrow she would have another family member with her for the rest of her life. I told her that at times she would feel like she wasn't at the center of my heart. That there would be times that it felt like I wasn't paying as much attention to her. But I made freaking sure that she knew that NO MATTER WHAT...I would always love her.

I don't care if the decisions that she makes - irritate the crap out of me. I don't care if it feels like she doesn't care about me. I don't care if it seems that she has no respect for the things that Ashley and I try to teach her...I will love her; just like the Father loves us. Unconditionally period.

God spoke to me tonight, as I installed Baby Boy's carrier base in the car. I looked up and say the eye of God starring right at me. I'm not ready to train up a MAN in the way that he should go, not with all the responsibilities and commitments I've got in my life. Not with all the baggage I'm carrying around. Not with all of the tendencies to sin in me STILL. Who am I kidding? I can't do this. Not I, but Jesus Christ, the Father who lives in me - can.

I need Your help, Lord. Help me to know how to raise him, what I need to do and what I don't need to do. Help me to remember that little eyes are always watching me. Help me to know that I must model what I want him to become. I'm broken, but You, God, are whole. I'm wretched, but You are perfect. I'm incompitant, but You Lord, are powerful.

Only You, Lord, can take my meager efforts and transform them into nuggets You use to fashion a MAN who is completely in love with You - Only You!!!

Take what I will do, take what I will say, take what intentions I have for this man and multiply them as only You can - that we (Joey, Ashley, Julesy & baby boy) might glorify you in ALL WE DO.

it happens tomorrow...

2008-06-11T16:05:00.002-05:00

So much is happening all at once. I officially was offered a job on Tuesday at Fellowship Technologies in Las Colinas. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to take it, but I need to talk to a few other people before I do.

That plus, for sure no matter what, I hold our son in my arms. It's going to be so good.

It's crazy right now.

More later.

As I lie awake...

2008-06-04T08:36:00.002-05:00

This morning I guess I'm somewhat nervous. I woke up feeling like I'm about to play in the big game today. Ready...not only wanting to play, but show my skills.

Today I have 2 interviews with 2 different companies that feature 2 different kind of jobs/careers that I definitely see myself being able to excel in.

But those aren't the only reasons I woke up with my head spinning. There are 2 other reasons that are weighing on my heart:

- I'm about to become a daddy all over again... :)

- My desire to exist for a defined purpose looms large in me

On this journey of 3 months now with no job, I've done some growing in this area especially. I'm learning again that we all need defined lines in which we function. That walking with no sense of direction - but rather taking "life as it comes" can be - sure ok, but not fulfilling. I want the fulfilled life. I want to know that my life matters. I want to be able to have a roadmap by which I am making my decisions. My decisions about family, money, ministry, God, my marriage, etc, etc...all must be made from a set of values that I've identified and used to determine my vision and my mission. Stepping back from that - i can see that I have the ability to inspire someone or a group of people toward a certain dream. Unless I get more realistic through identifying steps or goals to help me accomplish the vision, then all I am is Idealistic - nothing more.

Ahh, the art of growing up. The sense of feeling that you're growing in maturity, coupled with the understanding that if you would have seen this stuff before...if you would have learned this before - one could have maybe avoided such a season like this. It's eye-opening.

Anyway, I know that I'm going in today with clearly marked out, thought of goals in mind. Yet, I don't and won't ever hold to those goals too tightly. Because Proverbs 19:31 says, "For many are the plans of a man's heart, but it is the purpose of the Lord that prevails."

I am clay in His hands and God is my Definer. He takes me and does with me as He wills.

Live in the NOW...

2008-06-03T11:26:00.003-05:00

Came to my Rescue

2008-06-01T09:26:00.001-05:00

Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek Your face
Lord all I am is is Yours

My whole life
I place in Your hands
God of mercy
Humbled I bow down
In your presence at Your throne

I called You answered
And You came to my rescue and I
I wanna be where You are

In my life be lifted high
In our world be lifted high
In our love be lifted high

--- May this be my Lord and Savior.

As I move closer...

2008-05-31T23:27:00.002-05:00

I know that this doesn't make sense, but even as I realize this - I still have this deep wonder in my heart...if I'm doing the right thing. Having so many options in front of me is overwhelming.

I know this is the way I've been advised to go in and I'm so hungry for the challenge, but deep inside I wonder if this is truly what God wants for me. I know there's a bit of transition and openness that has to take place in my own head and in my own heart about ministry in general and how we as Christians are to view ministry.

So, I'm on a journey to discover that.

Tonight I met two ladies that work at two of the companies that I have actively been pursuing. One from Merritt, Hawkins & Associates and the other from ExponentHR.

So, that makes 4 very possible jobs that have all of a sudden come up.

We'll see if any of these happen.

my quest for being a better man...

2008-05-30T15:17:00.008-05:00

Today, I've realized that I still have so much to learn. I feel I keep learning this again and again and again.

This morning was very cool. I got to meet up with Bill, my Youth Minister when I was in High School. He and his wife have been such an inspiration to me and continue to be the model of what I want my marriage to look like. Now obviously, most of the time a person puts someone else up on a pedestal, they fail to remember that he/she is only seeing one dimension to the broken, imperfect person that he/she is "pedestaling" but it still provides a very good visual goal to reach for..

I also realized that I have alot of processes to learn in my head about business structures and how to think deeper. For instance, if I have a VISION or PURPOSE defined, then it's one thing to be idealistic or inspiring about accomplishing that VISION, but it's another thing completely to identify the VISION and then be able to think back from that identifying Strategies (or Values, Emphases) that will help you accomplish the VISION and then to step back from the Strategies and be able to set the Goals that will be needed to shoot for in order to stay on track with accomplishing the Strategies. So, all this to say that I MUST be a man that knows his God, that knows himself and manages myself like a business. The kind of man that leads himself, his wife, his family, his priorities and all....

So, here's from another learner on the journey - hungry for more!!!

could it really be? #2

2008-05-29T13:44:00.002-05:00

wow. what a week.

Briefly:

- I had 3 face to face Interviews with a Marketing Company
- I had 2 interviews with our church about volunteer opportunities
- I had another face to face interview with a Recruiting Company
- Rescheduled another interview for Monday

'CAUSE...

We are going to the doctor to find out if we're starting the Baby Boy delivery process or if we're going to schedule it.

SO,

here we go, it could really be...

could it really be?

2008-05-29T13:35:00.003-05:00

What this means...

2008-05-28T07:35:00.000-05:00

Today I want to be full of God. I know that I'm already "full" of Him, but I want the fullness of who He is to come out in my speech, my actions, my thoughts, my motives, my drive in my everything.

I got up today and I have an interview in about 2 hours. I read a few verses and I want to spend enough time living with these verses that I actually apply them to my life.

"Every good and perfect gift comes from the Lord above, the Father of lights." - James 2

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you..." - Isa. 26:3

I want my mind on the things of God. I want that perfect gift from above; that perfect peace within. I want to be able to "think on such things."

God help me today to be fully Yours. I want to be ALL IN.